By Corey Conley & Beatty Jamieson
Hellman’s New Non-Perishable Longevity Mayonnaise
We’ve all been there, looking in the fridge for our next hit of tangy, creamy mayo when we find the dreaded “old jar of mayo,” green and hideous. Inevitably, we reflect how mayo would be the perfect food if only it wasn’t so delicate. Well, Hellman’s has listened to your plaintive cries and responded with Hellman’s Longevity ™ mayo. It’s chock full of 230% more sweet, sweet preservatives. The sheer number and variety of these preservatives mean refrigerating your mayo is a thing of the past. It’s green in more ways than one!
The Samsung Social Movement
Even the greenest among us turn into tiny lumberjacks when it comes to the bathroom, luxuriating in sheet after sheet of quilted, triple-ply toilet paper as soon as the door shuts. Now, the good folks at Samsung have come up with a special wifi enabled smart-toilet and app that turns your throne into a tattle-tale. Using your smartphones’ GPS, the device determines who is using the restroom, and at the completion of the deed uses your phone to tweet and Facebook your total paper usage, turning that 5-alarm chili into public shame and saving millions of trees a year. Available Fall 2013 on iOS and Android devices
Tesla Motors’ New Gas-Powered Model G
Tesla announced their newest car, the Model G. Unlike the recently announced Model X, the G is entirely gasoline powered, boasting a 3.3 liter V-6 putting out a hearty 128 horses. It’s a surprising turn for a company defined by their all-electric gameplan, but Tesla founder Elon Musk, who had eschewed his normal collared shirt and slacks for a dirty gray jumpsuit adorned only with the nametag “Elon,” explained the decision to go back to the gold stuff. Shouting over the loud burble of his recently restored El Camino SS he said, “Yeah, I don’t know what I was thinking. Gas engines are awesome. Get a job, hippies.” Musk said to expect the Model G “whenever,” but analysts predict a launch in late 2014.
Nintendo’s New Console: The Wii Cii U
Nintendo raised eyebrows at their March shareholders meeting when they announced the full name of their next home console, the Wii Cii U. Nintendo said the original name, simply “Wii U” didn’t differentiate the product enough from their current console, and used the opportunity to reveal previously unannounced connectivity features.
The Wii Cii U is now equipped with a “U” camera and sensor suite that allows it to track the behavior of up to 16 family members and pets. What’s more, the console uses that info to “learn” the activities of members, even while powered off and, using artificial intelligence programming licensed from IBM, Nintendo reps say each console will develop a unique “personality” based on their household.
Nintendo was characteristically secretive about what this “personality” means for players, but they did shed some light on their new “U” network, a free online service that allows the consoles to share information and “talk” to one another. When pressed, the Nintendo reps only gave a sinister smile and promised more details at a “major event” December 21, 2012.